Humiliation at the airport

Trans people bend the world's rules. So, the world breaks us.

A couple months ago, I flew up to Seattle. I had no makeup on, and looked like this.

As far as looks go, it was a pretty androgynous one. And I got through the airport pretty much just fine.

But I flew again recently, looking like this¹:

That was worse. Much worse.

On the trip to Seattle, it went ok. At TSA security, they did a pat down of my shoulder area and upper chest - I’m not sure why, maybe the necklace, maybe my hair, or maybe my bra strap or something. But it was relatively unintrusive.

On the way back, I had the single worst experience of my transition so far, and one of the worst moments of my life.

I will be describing it in graphic detail², so trigger warnings around sexual assault and transphobia apply.

Pink or Blue?

You see, apparently when you step into a TSA Full Body Scanner, someone looks at you and guesses your gender. Then they push a “blue” or “pink” button. That tells the scanner and the person looking at the scanner what to expect.

And you’ll note that the button they don’t have is “transgender.”

So I got in the scanner at SeaTac Airport, already running very late for my flight. I got out, and the woman looked at me and said “the scan lit up in the groin area”. I looked, and sure enough. On the outline of a body, there was a box showing up on my groin area. I told the woman “I’m transgender, I have the court order showing that” and motioned toward my bag sitting in the pickup section. She said, “we need to do a pat down.”

The verbal exchange is a bit of a blur - I think I said “you’re kidding” or similar, and she said no, and that they could offer me privacy if I wanted it. Given that I was already running late, I declined. She informed me she’d use the back her hands, as though that was somehow supposed to make me feel better about what was about to happen.

She asked me to spread my legs, and I did. A kind woman picking up her luggage looked at me and mouthed the words, “I’m sorry.”

The TSA woman started in back, patting down my butt. She moved around to the front, first patting between my legs, and then running her hand at least twice, I think three times, over my genitals. Just a reminder - gender dysphoria is the experience of feeling distress at the mismatch of one’s body and one’s internal feeling of gender. Many of us go to great expense, and through intense surgery to avoid having to feel this. But until then, we do what we can to not have to think about our anatomy.

At this, I started to cry, and had some difficulty catching my breath, as I realized that there was simply no sane definition of sexual assault that didn’t include what was happening. It was violating and humiliating, not to mention a brutal trigger of my gender dysphoria.

So after that, she told me to spread my legs wider, I guess so that she could better feel the area between my legs? At that point I was definitely crying, and said something like “are you serious?”

She finished, and didn’t even look me in the eye to give me any kind of compassion or anything. Just sent me on my way.

The kind woman asked if I needed a minute, and I told her I was already late for my flight.

I made my way through the airport, in tears the whole way. I got to my gate, where the door was closed, but the woman working it let me through. She asked for my last name, and I told her “Irwin”. Then she started scrolling through her iPad. My first name on my driver’s license is still my “deadname”³, and I realized that she was probably about to say “[deadname]?” to confirm I was the right person, and I was not in the mood to get deadnamed. So I said, “My first name is Celeste, please don’t say the other one.” The woman asked if that’s what had happened (since I was in tears already), and I told her “no, I just got sexually assaulted by TSA.” She apologized, and I boarded the plane. After another 10-15 minutes, I was finally able to stop crying.

What happened?

I’m very aware that others have had this experience. A number of cisgender⁴ people told me afterwards that they had this experience before, and a couple of cisgender women said it happens to them almost every time.

But what I didn’t know, is that this appears to happen to every trans woman, nearly every time, unless we’ve had “bottom surgery.”⁵

A trans woman like me will still have male genitals, but will also have grown significant breast tissue. Over time, the breasts will grow, and we may even have breast augmentation, which, due to its simplicity and comparatively low cost, can happen before we even have bottom surgery.

The TSA body scanner looks for “things that shouldn’t be there”. So let’s think about those buttons. If they push the blue button, they are expecting a male body, which means they are expecting the male genitals, but not breasts. It they push the pink button, they will expect breasts, but not male genitals. For me, they pushed the pink button (yay?) this time.

But a trans woman has both. And TSA basically assumes one of them should not be there.

Which is to say, systemically, the TSA is fully aware that their security system results in molesting transgender women⁶ at much higher rates than others, and has done nothing about it.

It would be very easy for me to carry a certified note from my doctor saying, “Celeste is transgender,” and then describe my anatomy. The note could expire every x months, and we’d be all set - no need to keep groping trans women.

Instead, the only fix is to get TSA Pre-check, which usually allows you to use the metal detector instead of going through the TSA Body Scanner. But of course, I can’t get that until I get my Driver’s License changed, and then I think my passport as well - it’s a process.

And so, I simply will think carefully about flying in the near future, unless and until I can get TSA Pre-Check. But I’m privileged in that I don’t need to fly for work or anything. Those who do are in a much tougher position than I am, and typically just have to accept that this will happen.

Oh, and even aside from the physical part, having to state, “I’m transgender” in an airport is garbage. There’s no telling who might be around who might not be safe. Transgender people should never have to out themselves like that.

For me, once I landed, I was able to take my anti-anxiety meds, and go to sleep. The next two days I spent basically doing nothing, exhausted from the emotional toll this took on me.

What to do?

Subscribe to this newsletter, obviously!

Ok, but for real: First, if you’re ever traveling with someone who’s transgender, know that this might be part of it, and be prepared to help them. I wish I’d known it was going to happen, and if I’d had a travel partner, I would have had them take video of it, so that I could more easily file a complaint with TSA.

Second, advocacy is always helpful - pushing for greater acceptance of transgender people in society definitely won’t hurt.

Finally, you can start looking at the world in different ways - how often is our world coded around a strict binary, and who does that hurt? Is it right that just for everyone to feel “safe” on planes, every trans person needs to have a violating, humiliating experience before boarding?

I’d like to think we could do better than that.

-Celeste

Learn more

For further learning, I invite you to check out transgender woman Abigail Thorn’s video on Ethical AI on her YouTube channel Philosophy Tube. Starting at 11:40, she discusses the entire above issue with airport security. (Use discretion for children).

And for even more learning about airport security and the philosophy behind it, check out this video Abigail Thorn made on security a few years ago (before her own gender transition).

1. I got hair extensions and a “topper” (mini-wig). My real hair is in there somewhere, and you can see it in the bangs, now I’m a blonde woman with long hair now - I’ll do another post about that someday.

2. Some of you may be more squeamish at this, but I hope you’ll read anyways. Just remember: I had to go through it, you only have to read about it. Major exceptions apply to those for whom descriptions of sexual assault are triggering.

3. Deadname is the term many if not most trans people use for the name they were given, but which they no longer use. Given that it’s frequently a very gendered name, many trans people, myself included, can feel very uncomfortable when hearing it. It’s quite rude to use it intentionally, though almost all trans people are pretty chill about people accidentally using it.

4. Not transgender.

5. Bottom surgery is the name the trans community uses for what’s referred to as GCS (Gender Confirmation Surgery), GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery), or SRS (Sex Reassignment Surgery). All of these refer to the changing of the trans persons genitals to more closely match those of their gender identity, though there are many variations in how it’s done. Less than half of trans people will ever get this surgery, which is why it’s wrong to refer to trans people as “pre-op.” For one thing, it’s just none of other people’s business. But more importantly, many trans people will never get this surgery, so they’re not “pre” anything.

6. Transgender men, on the other hand, are a bit safer, though still at risk. If TSA pushes pink, they’ll be fine. If they push blue, and the trans man hasn’t had top surgery (double mastectomy), then they would have a pat down of their breasts. But there are all manner of non-binary or gender non-conforming people in the world who might have mixed features, especially those with certain intersex conditions.