"Celeste, what's your story?"

An answer to a frequently asked question

So in talking with various people, particularly people who are trying to learn about trans people from a Christian perspective, a question I get regularly is, “What’s your story?” By this, I can only assume they mean:

1. “How did you decide to transition?”

2. “What was life like before that?”

3. And they probably would ask something like “How do you reconcile being transgender while being a Christian?”

They don’t typically ask, but I want to add: “Are you happy now?”

I’ve shared a lot of this before, but never all in one place for easy sharing and reference.

Timeline

Let’s go way back

So around the time I was six or seven, I remember being in my room, by myself, thinking: “There was some coin flip before I was born and it went wrong.” Not that I thought that my parents had literally flipped a coin, but like, there was a 50/50 chance and I got the bad result. But at that age, I very much was aware: “I wish I was a girl.”

This is a common but not universal age for trans kids to start to know something about their gender identity.

And the feeling never went away. I preferred hanging out with girls if I could. I’d see girl clothes my size and that absolutely made me feel something. I didn’t like that things were “masculine” or “feminine”.

But I was told to be the “man of the house” if my dad was away, and there were all kinds of expectations around being a “man.” It wasn’t a house that ran on strict patriarchy, but still - gender roles were pretty clear and at least, to me, felt expected.

Teen years

Teenage years got harder. Sometime around age 11 or 12 I made an attempt at wearing a girl outfit and it was made very clear to me that I should never do that again. I also tried to do masculine things like Boy Scouts and honestly it was awful. I just didn’t fit in. Sports actually gave me something of a respite - I stayed away from the very-masculine sports of football and wrestling, in favor of basketball, cross country, and track. The latter two had the distinct advantage of being co-ed school teams, so I wasn’t just “with the boys.” Basketball still worked for me because I don’t think I ever really saw it as a gendered sport - my mom would play in the drive-way with me, and her and both of my grandma’s were big sports fans.

I also got into computers and video games. When I would play Mario Kart with no one around, I would always choose to play as Princess Peach, never really understanding why.

This was also when I started occasionally trying on my sister’s clothes if I got the chance, always making sure no one knew.

When I would go to church camps or something, once again - I always found myself hanging out with the girls more than the guys, if I had the option.

At this age, my attraction to women started to confuse things - did I want to be “one of the girls” or was I just attracted to them? Looking back, the answer was, of course:

That said, testosterone-driven puberty had two effects:

1. It made me taller, which I counted as “success” at masculinity.

2. It made me dislike my body quite a bit. This I mostly experienced as just ignoring my body. I didn’t want to think about style, etc. I started wearing a hoodie, t-shirt, jeans, and running shoes, which I would wear pretty much every day until I started transitioning, with brief attempts to be more stylish, which never lasted long.

Pressure to conform

The 90’s were a bad time to be a gender-dysphoric teenager (has there yet been a good time?). The first time I remember hearing the term “sex change operation” the person talking about it was laughing as though it was completely absurd.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective included a brutally transphobic punch line that the “whodunnit” (a man, at least that’s what the film says he is) had been “disguising” “himself” as a woman. In fact, in the end, his “disguise” was seen as far more of a transgression than the actual crime (to the extent that I’m not actually sure what the crime was). Jim Carrey’s titular character Ace is far more disgusted by having kissed “him” (thinking “he” was a woman). (yes I’m using a lot of quotes here because I think there’s a plausible reading that the suspect really was a transgender woman who also happened to do a crime).

Robin Williams’ role as Mrs. Doubtfire was somewhat better, because it avoided any claim to be about a transgender woman, but still, it fed the stereotype that a man wearing women’s clothes was *highly* objectionable, an also that anyone doing this must be doing so for deceptive purposes, not just because it suits them better. Also, many of the comedic moments were still just the gender-non-conformity of it all.

There’s a lot more examples, and YouTube Creator Lindsay Ellis has a phenomenal video: “Tracing the Roots of Pop Culture Transphobia” about how films since the 60’s have fed transphobia at large, from Psycho to Silence of the Lambs to modern sitcoms. She does an expert job early on of showing that even the early stereotypes of dangerous trans people were literally made up, but stuck in the cultural consciousness.

And this was all before I had ever actually heard the word “transgender”.

College and beyond

In college, my dorm was co-ed which was amazing. It meant that throughout college, most of my friends were women, with whom I felt far more comfortable. Even the guy friends I had were typically romantically involved with women I hung out with, not guys I’d just hang out with on my own.

I’m sure that at some point in college I was aware of the term “Transgender” because the student group was *probably* the “LGBT alliance”, but it also might have still been the “GLBA”. Either way, the “T” hadn’t really made an impression on me yet.

It wasn’t until I noticed that a tech reporter I followed had a mention of her own transition in her bio, and also when the Wachowski Sisters (creators of The Matrix) came out as transgender, that I truly became aware of the concept, but even then only just.

I was so unfamiliar with it that when Lady Gaga’s Born this Way was a smash hit, which I had to have heard dozens of times, I simply missed that she mentioned transgender people by name in it.

Oh, and I became evangelical at this time.

My junior year saw me join a conservative Christian group on campus and become obsessed with my new-found faith. Once graduated, I ended up at the famously toxic Mars Hill Church, and then left that to join the cult that I’ve written about extensively.

And while I was in those spaces, the lack of psychological safety¹ to explore my gender kept me from doing so even as we hit cultural milestones like The Transgender Tipping Point (2014, Time), the coming out of Caitlyn Jenner (2015).

The discourse around transgender people began in earnest, typified by the 2016 North Carolina bathroom bill (repealed due to outrage) and the 2018 cover story in The Atlantic by Jesse Singal, which said: “Your Child Says She’s Trans. She Wants Hormones and Surgery. She’s 13.”²

Note: Please read that footnote about how this article was very wrong and engaging in fearmongering.

My response to these? “Trans people can’t be real, because if they were, I’d be one.” That response was shameful, though on the latter claim I guess I ended up being right.

Image credit, The Atlantic, via The Advocate

Throughout my adulthood, all the same patterns held, including trying on feminine clothes when I would get the chance, and always loving it in the moment and feeling brutal shame after, especially if I heard pastors bashing transgender people.

Regardless, it wasn’t until 2021 that I finally could start figuring out who I am.

Egg Crack

In the trans community, we talk about the “Egg crack” moment - that moment where you realize you might be or probably are trans. A person before that is referred to (retroactively) as an “egg”, and we talk about the egg cracking because, just like you can’t uncrack an egg, you can’t really unrealize you’re trans.

In 2021 I left the conservative evangelical space I was in, and started reevaluating a lot of things. As I went online, looking for others who had left similar spaces, I found something I never expected: Transgender Christians.

Yes, it took me longer to really wrestle with it, but just their very existence put a significant crack in my egg. My very first thought: “Why do they get to live that life and I don’t?”

In June 2022, I finally tried on my first full femme outfit and I felt *amazing*. It was exactly right, even though my style left much to be desired.

The problems

There were several problems I had to work through, though.

Problem #1: I was still not affirming

The space I was in was “non-affirming” of LGBTQ+ people. I am ashamed that I agreed with them, knew the arguments, even taught them. I could quote all the passages. I could tell you which ones I thought were more compelling than others. And I could do it all while maintaining that I loved the people I was judging.

So… among the list of things I was reevaluating, I needed to figure out whether I, still a Christian, could support LGBTQ+ people. The result of that is this article I wrote in June 2022, sharing how I became affirming. I poured countless hours of research and reflection and writing into it. I wanted to be very careful to hold to Biblical inerrancy as I did it, and not to let my own exploration of my gender identity influence it.

Fortunately, what I found was that, once I finally listened to real counter-arguments, and not just what conservatives told me the counter-arguments were, it was relatively easy to become affirming and very difficult to hold to non-affirming views anymore.

But gender transition was even easier: I simply never found any compelling argument against it from the Bible.

Problem #2: I’m too old

I was closing in on 40 by the time I told my partner “If I was growing up today, I think I would have transitioned.” And I phrased it that way because I couldn’t imagine how to take this and ever even begin to “look like a woman”. I’m 6’2”. My nose was big and crooked (though I didn’t notice my nose being crooked for years due to just really never looking at mirrors). My hairline had receded quite a bit. My voice was still quite masculine.

But I found the r/translater subreddit where people 20-30 years older than me were transitioning and finding joy. Not only that, but people my age were transitioning into objectively beautiful women. Once I learned that Facial Feminization Surgery existed, and what the effects of HRT would do, that’s all I really needed to know.

This was possible.

Married with Children

I had a wife and two kids at the time. What would they say?

Well, I told my wife, and we worked through it. It’s still a change - not what either of us expected, and I respect anyone who gets through it in any way. It took a few months, but eventually she became supportive of my transition.

Coming out to the kids was even easier - I told them, and within 30 minutes they were both on board - honestly probably much faster. They’re both awesome and have been fully supportive of me the whole way. They both call me “Maddy” now, which I love.

For the record, our dog never had a problem with it, and also quickly learned my new name of “Maddy”.

Transition!

So then I started coming out to people, slowly, which went well.

I started hormones in November 2022, and knew within weeks that I would never go back. My mind is so much quieter on Estrogen, without testosterone, and I’m much less angry and irritable. The effects were so noticeable that my kids and wife all saw it, and my wife got so that she could tell if I’d missed taking my meds for a couple days. It’s a miraculous transformation and I’d never give it up.

I finally came out to my fam around Christmas 2022, and then to the world in January.

And of course, like so many trans people, it immediately cost me friends. Some are gone, others there is a profound distance that has been gutwrenching to experience. I’ve received judgy letters from people I thought loved me, and even more judgy letters from people who barely knew me.

But it was all worth it.

Surgeries didn’t start until 2024, but I have had three so far with a minimum of three remaining. And… I wasn’t disappointed - today, I look like this, even with minimal makeup.

And then this with makeup:

Faith Journey

I still consider myself Chrisitan, though it’s hard. As I say elsewhere on this blog, the bullying I’ve received from Christians has been intense, and that’s not even counting the Christian Nationalists now running this country.

But through it all, my transition has given me new perspectives on my faith that have enriched it rather than being opposed to it. And I’ve met the most amazing Christian friends through this all.

Are you happy now?

Yes. Without hesitation, yes. So much yes. Yes all day. There’s no moments where I regret my transition. None where I wish I could go back (which would only be possible to a certain extent). If I may go biblical for a moment, Jesus tells us that his yoke is easy, his burden light. I finally feel that. Paul tells us that the following are the fruits of the spirit, and I want to comment on each of them:

• Love - my capacity for love is so much greater, in part becasue I’m able to bring my real self to relationships, and be seen by people for who I really am. Even towards people who hate me, I find myself feeling more sad for them than hateful in return.

• Joy - The joy I have experienced is beyond what I knew was possible. From finally seeing me in the mirror to making friends with similar experiences, to those little moments where I get to feel like me. And even other joys - a kid’s birthday, a Christmas morning, etc - those feel more joyful without the constant drag of gender dysphoria.

• Peace - I said it before - my mind finally feels peaceful. Quiet. I can relax in a way I never could before.

• Patience - those around me will vouch that so much less irritable, and also that I have more patience for those who are trying to understand me as they go through their journey.

• Kindness - I can be more focused on others, I have so much more to give without this constant weight.

• Generosity - Becoming a marginalized person has given me so much more understanding of other marginalized people and a desire to help where I can.

• Faithfulness - I continue to be dedicated to being a good spouse, parent, friend, and more.

• Gentleness and self-control - just going to combine these and say I rarely yell anymore, rarely get angry enough that I “see red”. It’s so much easier to just… be who I want to be.

And finally, Jesus said he wanted us to have abundant life. What I had before was hardly that. I was playing a role much of the time, though a lot of it was still me. But what I have now is absolutely that.

I take joy in who I am, and also in the process of getting there. I like being transgender - it’s an experience that has brought me a lot of insight into areas I never would have had before. It’s brought me friends I never would have made. And also the trans colors are just awesome.

Thanks for reading, as always, and don’t forget to subscribe if you haven’t already.

Love y’all,

Celeste

1. An important concept I learned about a few years ago. This TED Talk by Amy Edmonson is a great primer on it and its importance. Those of you coming from evangelical circles will no doubt see that evangelical churches frequently build exactly the opposite of this.

2. Singal’s article met strong pushback from the transgender community (The Advocate: “Why the Trans Community Hates The Atlantic's Cover Story”, June 2018), and I’d like to add a few points to it:

• No one is getting surgery at 13. It’s incredibly rare under 18 to begin with. Hormones also don’t start until 15-16, depending on the child, their medical team, and the state in which they live. And no one is rushed into either. Singal is blatantly fearmongering.

• Singal’s use of “She” here is misgendering, especially given the unnecessary doubt-seeding of “says she’s trans” (italics mine).

• For this article to come from The Atlantic (which is typically left-learning) was a *huge* win for the right, because they could then say, “See, even The Atlantic says this is a problem.” That was my reaction at the time, coming from a more conservative view point.