Eyes Open

An update post-surgery!

Hey all! There will be no photos yet - hoping I’ll feel confident enough to share some in a few weeks. But I wanted to give an update on the operation and recovery process I’ve been going through.

But First: Help a friend?

As many of you know, gender affirming care can be transformative for a transgender individual. Hormones alone can make such a huge difference. Unfortunately, if you don’t have good insurance, or live in a country with poor service for transgender people, that care can be expensive. Add to that the fact that trans people can suffer from employment and housing discrimination, and it can get very difficult.

I have a trans friend, Elizabeth, in England who is trying to start her transition by getting on hormones. Unfortunately, but has had a very difficult time for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the NHS’ atrocious treatment of trans people (that video is illuminating and tragic). She’s already raised £100, but needs about £635 total to ensure she’ll have access for a year.

Friends, would you mind visiting her GoFundMe and chipping in and/or sharing this with friends? I didn’t need to fundraise for my FFS, but so many trans people have to do this to get the care they need. Thank you for any help you can provide!

Ok, now me

First, I’m alive! I made it through the first week, and now things are starting to get easier. Hey look, I’m sitting at my desk typing a blog post! Yay!

I’m going to structure this a bit chronologically to catch you up. I will avoid details that might make people squeamish, but as with all posts about surgery, take care of yourself and stop reading if this one is too much for you.

Day zero

We stayed at a hotel across the street from the surgical center the night before surgery, so all we had to do the morning of was wake up and walk over. They had me sign a mountain of informed consent forms, covering risks and side effects, etc. They also had me take some pills that they said would help me come out of general anesthesia better. I got changed, they prepped the IV, I had one last chat with my surgeon, Dr. Jumaily, where he drew on my face a little bit. I also met the anesthesiologist and went over the checklist one last time for any concerns that might affect the anesthesia.

Top left: outside the surgical center, with my Moana loungefly and my trans shark, Blahåj. Top right: Kat and I in the surgical center waiting room. Bottom left: Dr. Jumaily drew on my forehead! Bottom Right: Relaxed, ready for this!

Everything was uneventful and then they walked me into the surgery room, which looked very official like on the movies. I laid down, the anesthesiologist told me she was putting something in the IV to get started, and … then I woke up and it was over!

Aside from my mild (and completely unreasonable) irritation at not being told to count back from 100 or something (I totally can!), that seemed like a good way to do it. Didn’t even realize anything was happening.

The surgery started a little before 8 and finished about 7 hours later, so I was disoriented coming out of it for sure. Kat says that they told her at this point that surgery had gone very well, but I had a hard time coming out of anesthesia. My eyes weren’t really tracking together, but somehow they got me dressed, put in a wheelchair, and then wheeled out to the curb where Kat picked me up. She drove me back across the street, and then we borrowed a rolling desk chair from the hotel to wheel me through the hotel, up the elevator, and to our room, where we then got me in bed.

The next 24 hours is blurry. I know the first 8 involved some nausea, and for sure a lot of tired, and my mouth was *so* dry, so I actually drank a lot of water (this is a good thing!).

Day 1: Thursday

We did a FaceTime call with a wonderful woman (thank you, Lori!) who works with Dr. Jumaily. She walked us through how to take off the original head bandages, which is when I got to see my forehead and brow bone for the first time. I ran a finger down my brow bone, felt that it was *gone*, and cried happy tears and had to catch my breath. I somehow didn’t believe it would actually work, but my goodness, it did.

Swelling was dramatic that first couple days, but we learned how to manage all the medications and wraps and cleaning, etc.

I also kind of freaked out for a moment when I realized that I had only consumed water for a good 16 hours, and was worried I’d end up in bad shape. PSA: I had a friend who died of having too much water without any salt when he got sick with the flu - it’s a real thing, so please - when you’re sick, make sure you’re not entirely on water only (I am not a medical professional, follow your doctor’s advice, don’t sue me, etc). But I got some Ensure in me, so all was fine.

In the afternoon on Thursday, I was very done with laying on the hotel bed, when I knew that my wonderful bed awaited me at home. Both my neck and tailbone were hurting a lot. Nausea was low enough, so we decided to make the 70-80 minute drive back home that evening, which was, thankfully, uneventful. We got me home, into bed, and I finally slept - a couple hours at a time, in between doses of medication. It was fantastic.

Day 2: Friday

On Friday, I mostly just stayed in bed, trying to get some more sleep, and just do the things I had to do for recovery (meds, etc), and that’s when I really started to crank through The West Wing. It’s a show I’ve seen many times, and is very dialogue-centric, so I was able to listen to it without seeing it much. Which brings us to our next challenge: vision.

The first few days I was very light-sensitive - actually still am more than I was. Plus, focusing was hard because (I think) the swelling was pushing on my eyes, distorting them a little. It wasn’t painful, but it kind of undermined texting people, since looking at my phone wasn’t super comfortable. Also, some of you know that my left eye has never quite worked right - it doesn’t turn left the way it should, so I can see double at times. Coming out of surgery it was *extreme*. I actually asked the people to just cover it and they were like “nah”. I had feelings about that, but I’m sure they know what they’re doing. Probably. Right?

Either way, it meant my vision was just not great for multiple days, and continues to be sensitive. Hearing is fine, but also very sensitive to noise that shouldn’t be there (fan in the bathroom, someone chewing, pouring water into a cup, etc) so we’ve had to just be careful about that.

By Friday night I was pinning my hopes on swelling peaking Saturday.

Day 3: Saturday

Saturday was the most normal day yet - more The West Wing, watched basketball, my vision really started to really improve, at least for things at least a few feet away. I’m pretty sure this is the day I watched Moana and had to fight back tears like crazy to make sure i didn’t get my nose cast wet. Oh right! I had a nose cast. It wasn’t super uncomfortable, and appears to have done its job really well.

I was still quite tired, napping each afternoon. I also ran a slight temperature for the first several days after surgery, with it ending sometime late Saturday. Temperature regulation was actually a big part of the story and still is. I can’t breathe through my nose yet, and my lips are still swollen, so all week, it was actually tough to cool down if I got too warm. Result: kids kinda upset at the frigid temps we were running on the air conditioning!

For the actual fever, they had me on anti-biotics for the first 5 days, strict timing of every 8 hours. Add to that pain meds every 4 hours, an anti-bruising/swelling med 2x/day, and Kat had her work cut out for her keeping the timing right.

Day 4: Sunday

Sunday I knew for sure that my swelling had peaked. It wasn’t as bad, and I started to feel more like a real person. I continued to be incredibly thankful that I’d gotten an adjustable bed last year (precisely in anticipation of this), that can tilt/etc in lots of different ways. It was a huge help. By Sunday I was occasionally walking up the stairs in our house, just as practice.

Day 5-6: Monday/Tuesday

On Monday I really started to feel like a real person. I took a *very* careful shower for the first time since surgery. I changed my clothes, and generally felt a lot better. Antibiotics were done, anti-bruising med was gone, and I switched entirely to Tylenol, rather than the prescription pain meds. That was successful and helped me feel much more alive as well.

More West Wing, more NBA Playoffs. Tuesday night I built a little LEGO Potted Groot.

Tuesday night, my friend Anna came over, and stayed with us until Thursday morning. We hung out, and I had the absolute best food of my life: pho broth. Just the broth, nothing in it, from our favorite local pho place. I swear it’s the best thing I’d ever tasted (having only tasted water, blue gatorade, and chocolate Ensure for a week).

Day 7: Wednesday

A full week down! And a big day! Wednesday was the post-op appointment, which Anna was so kind to drive me to and from, as well as take notes during the appointment. They removed the sutures from the hairline and under my nose, the nose cast, somewhere around maybe 8 staples on each side of the head. They also checked to make sure the sutures in my mouth were still intact and healing fine - fortunately they were. All of this was done with minimal discomfort except the stuff they did around the sutures in my nose - that was quite sensitive, but I survived. I saw Dr. Jumaily and he said everything was looking great, though of course we can’t really judge aesthetics yet. By this date there was still a lot of swelling, and substantial bruising around my eyes.

I loved Dr. Jumaily coming into the room where they were taking my sutures out. He was in a t-shirt and jeans, with all the confidence (ok, swagger) of a world class surgeon. The people in his office are wonderful as well and were nothing but excited for me. When I started researching surgeons, so many people had amazing things to say about Dr. Jumaily’s work¹, and at this point I can say that I see why.

This was the first day I got a chance to see my nose: more happy tears. It’s straight for the first time in 25 years, with a clear little upturn at the base. It will take a couple weeks to see it, but even now I can feel the shape of it, how much smaller and cuter it is than before. How did they do it? Absolutely no idea.

And… Day 8-10: Thursday to now!

I’m now doing a little more each day - I’m sitting at my computer typing this, I’m eating mac & cheese and mashed potatoes. I went for an 11 minute walk yesterday and I think Kat and I are about to take a short walk this afternoon. I still have a lot of swelling in the jaw area particularly, lips are still too big, but the nose and eyes are starting to settle in, and the forehead swelling is also coming down. There is still some bruising around the eyes, but it’s getting close to “when’s the last time you slept” levels.

One strange sensation is that if I raise or lower my eyebrows, I can feel that they are now suspended by something underneath the skin. What? No idea - but there’s more connectivity now than there used to be. I assume this sensation will subside over time.

I can drive now, so enjoying that little freedom, even if I’m not exactly going out in public much yet.

I still can’t quite breathe through my nose - there’s internal swelling that they said will subside over the coming weeks, which I’m very excited for, obviously. Everything’s a little tender, but I’m nothing but satisfied with the first 10 days. As expected, wouldn’t want to do this as a hobby, but as a once-in-a-lifetime thing, to get a chance at seeing me in the mirror? So far, absolutely every reason to believe it will be worth it. All of the elements of a phenomenal result seem to be there, and I am thrilled about it! I can tell:

1. Hairline advancement is progress, though (as expected) will need follow-up sometime in 2025 to smooth it out and bring it forward a little more, not to mention fill in the bald spot (fixing that was a non-goal for this operation).

2. Forehead contouring is great - nice gradual curves.

3. Brow bone prominence is simply gone.

4. Brow has been lifted.

5. In short, my eyes are so much more open than they were before.

6. Nose is basically a completely new nose.

7. The combination of that is that wonderfully smooth transition between forehead, both eyes, and the nose - looks like nice curves throughout, no sudden angles.

8. Lips are obviously augmented - it’ll be fun to see the final shape/size of them, which sounds like it should be close in another couple weeks.

9. Chin/Jaw are swollen but I can see and feel that the chin is smaller and the jaw line is much smoother - can’t wait to start to get to see what that will look like in the end! There’s a chance I’ll need to do a face/neck lift next year due to excess skin (since they removed a lot of bone), but that’s expected and I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

What comes next?

Oh, and just a reminder if you’ve made it this far: go help out Elizabeth!

I get to eat normal food starting Wednesday, the 8th, but everything else is now just kind of waiting and doing the work. Applying a gel that should help make the scar less visible, wearing a wrap to keep the swelling in my jaw down, and walking a little more each day to get my fitness back. At this point I’d guess somewhere around May 15th is the absolute earliest I’ll share “after” photos, but it might be more like May 22nd. These will still be very “in progress” photos, and I’ll still have some swelling, but a lot less than now. Don’t forget to subscribe (free!) here to get notified when I do share some photos!

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, and prayers! They have meant so much and I can’t wait to be back to myself!

Love you all,

Celeste

1. You can see more of Dr. Jumaily’s work on Instagram, here! And you can read on his website more about the components of Facial Feminization Surgery if you’re interested.